Coming in 2008

This year was a particularly busy one for me, but it was positively drowsy compared to what I've got lined up for next year. Keep in mind that none of the following is written in stone, though I have included tentative dates to the best of my understanding.

Two-Car Funeral (hardboiled): Shorty had a plan. Jimmy had a habit. All that stood between them and the heist of a lifetime was an underground Nevada gun cult led by the charismatic Reverend John Sandman, sitting on a cool eight million in donations from their devoted flock. Getting in was one thing: getting out might just fuck them silly. (August 19th, Charming Cutthroat Press, Kalamazoo, MI)

Tree Lot (original screenplay): In this soon-to-be classic holiday heart-warmer, a college kid with a gambling problem returns home for the holidays to help his wacky family selling Christmas trees. When mob-funded terrorists come into his colorful neighborhood with guns blazing, looking for money stolen from a crooked all-cop poker game, our hero and his family find themselves in the crossfire. (Feb., Ankle Productions)

What the Hell Are Those? (Health): A pop-up guidebook for adolescents on the magical changes their bodies undergo during puberty and beyond. (Sneaky Uncle Press, May 2nd)

Mendacity (SF): Set in a world where chemical weapons have rendered everyone incapable of telling the truth, hard-as-nails investigator and human lie-detector sexpot Mendacity Jones runs a business tracking down missing persons among a landscape where everybody is constantly talking shit, all the time. (July 28th, Gadfly Media)

The 1001 Tales of Dr. Chicken-Sauce (children’s book): A compendium of the beloved Dr. Chicken-Sauce bedtime stories, including “The Machine that Stopped the World,” “Ape-Face Hotrod” and “Bubblegum Killed the Dinosaurs.” (Hey Mister Publications, November)

On His President’s Secret Business (treatment for motion picture): P.T. Barnum and Harriet Tubman are dispatched on a top-secret White House mission to retrieve a missing rocket in the midst of Civil War-era Atlanta, and retrieve its payload, a rare precious stone whose prismatic qualities may alter the flow of time itself. (Rights currently available)

“Your mother doesn’t work here,” sign written on paper napkin, taped over coffee maker in employee break room. (December 3rd-22nd)

Tuesdays with Joey (memoir): An emotionally wrenching story of how I went back to poison one of my beloved professors and spend the last few hours of their lives recording their thoughts and heartfelt pleas for medical assistance. (San Fernando, CA: Lacrimose Sons Inc)

There’s a Fucker Born Every Minute (self-help): A highly opinionated view of the entire human race, by one of its most provocative commentators, me, with lots of helpful tips along the way on how the world could be a better place. (pub date unknown)